Life

Life is crazy. Over the past week I have I have really been thinking about all sorts of things.

1. God truly an awesome God and he watches over his followers. His hands are strong and his angels really do guard us.
2. Life can change or be taken at any moment. Don’t take it for granted.
3. As people we let dumb emotions get in the way of letting us live.
4. I can’t regret anything… but it is hard to really think that. 
5. I know what I want and I can’t wait to get it.

I think since about 2 years ago I haven’t been living life the way I used to. I used to be happy all the time. I didn’t really care about what people thought. I was loud and fun. But now I am so self conscious. I am afraid to do what will make me happy because I am scared of what people will think or do. But I can’t and won’t live like that anymore.

God has the perfect plan for me. The only thing getting in my way is… me…

I let something go recently because I wasn’t sure about the situation. I wanted to let it happen. But I was scared of what people would think. I let me talk myself out of something that could have been great. I don’t really regret it because I know that it will all work out in God’s time.  But I know I made a mistake and I have been thinking about it ever since.

I know that you can’t go back. And I don’t want to. But I do want to move forward. No matter what forward is.

It is kind of amazing to me what can happen when you are put in a crazy life changing situation. 

Here Comes the Sun

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces 
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here 
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun 
and I say it's all right.

This morning while shelving what seemed to be an ongoing pile of books at the library the song “Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles came on my ipod. This song really made me think. The past semester I was not at all myself. I was stressed to the max and I was in no way happy. I tried to talk myself into being happy, and I actually succeeded sometimes… but I wasn’t, not in the slightest. I had positions of power in school. I was seeing the finish line in the distance. And I had a boyfriend. But in actuality I was sad, upset and angry all the time and on top of that an emotional wreck. I in no way was myself. The positions that I had at school were not what I expected at all. And at the end of the semester I was so overwhelmed that there wasn’t a night that I didn’t cry myself to sleep. Although I had so much going for me I felt like I had nothing at all. I was involved in many things and couldn’t do any of them 100%. The relationship I was in was so fake on his end that it made the whole thing horrible toward the end. I made myself believe that it was good but in actuality it was horrible. At the point that I was telling myself that I should be fine with him not calling me for 5 days and not caring I should have known it wasn’t a good thing. Whoever I am with should want to talk to and be around me just as much as I want to talk and be around him. But this was not the case… in fact everything had changed from when we first started dating. And no matter what I said it was wrong and I was stupid for thinking that communication in a relationship was a key ingredient to a healthy relationship. This didn’t help the stress at school… at all!

But today I hear this song and it really spoke to me. Life is going to have it’s downs but after the darkness the sun always comes! I am making a vow to myself right now that I will never let stress get to me as much as it did last semester. I want to promise myself that I won’t date anyone that I am not 100% sure that he will treat me like I deserve to be treated. He will come. And God will protect me from the stress that hinders me so much! The sun will come… and it is coming. 

After the break up I took a day to mope and then surprisingly I was over it. And now I know exactly what I want and I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR LESS! I started out the semester stress free and it has stayed that way (for the most part). I love life and I am so glad that the dark part of this year happened and surly… “Here comes the sun. And it’s all right”! 

My first post

So… here it goes my first blog. I don’t think that this blog will be dedicated to anything in particular, just life the “unscripted” kind. I write a lot in my journal and figure that I might as well share some thoughts and stories with the people I love. And hopefully they will love to read it! So here it goes…

Today in Spanish class we talked about words used to describe people. We learned where everyone in our “familia” or class was originally from, where we all live now. We learned each others birthdays and how old we are. We learned about each others “special someone”. It is at this point that I realized, and it didn’t help that the teacher brought it to my attention… that I am the only one who is not from Wichita, I am oldest one in the class by 3 years, that I am the only one in the class that is single and that I am to only girl who is not engaged. That’s right my 20 and 21 year old female classmates are all planning weddings. This really depressed me at first. But then I realized I’m not with anyone right now because the right guy either hasn’t materialized yet or he is there and to scared to say anything or doesn’t even know I’m there.

            I know that “he” will be in my life eventually. But it is so hard right now to believe that God has made the perfect man for me and that he is out there. I just hope that when he does show up that God gives me a clear idea that it is him and that God shows him the same thing in me.

            I know that I worry about things way too much sometimes. But honestly I am just ready for the life that I have always dreamed of to start. I am just afraid that when this man does finally materialize will I be too scared to trust my true feelings? Will I not realize that it is him? Will I let the scars from past relationships dictate how I handle new ones?

Dear God,

Please give me the strength to make your plan happen. Give me love in my heart to completely and unconditionally love another. Give me the strength to know that I deserve better than what I have had in the past. And give me a trusting heart and mind.